The Lower 48 Is Not A Rectangle, And Other Geographic News Flashes

The Early Days:  I have loved geography ever since fifth grade at St. Joe's.  In the first semester, Mrs. Foley promised an "A" to each student who could memorize the 48 state capitals.  (Yep, not that I'm ancient or anything, but... Alaska, our 49th state, was not admitted until January 1959 when I was in sixth grade.)  She made the same promise second semester regarding capitals of all the nations of the world.  My results: "A" and "A."  This knowledge came in handy my junior year of high school when Father Robert Williams, our American history teacher, made us memorize all 50 states and their capitals, starting with a blank piece of paper.  Each correct answer on the quiz was worth one percentage point.  The result: Approximately 20 of the 25 students, including me, got a 99%.  We were docked a point for abbreviating "Saint" in the name of Minnesota's capital.  I reminded him of that tricky penalty when I saw him at my 20th year high school reunion.  As I expected, a wry smile crossed his face.

Later Let Downs:  My geographic curiosity has made domestic and international travel a joy, but two places I wanted to visit for over thirty years before I finally got the opportunity proved to be disappointments.  The realities did not measure up to my imagination or expectations.

The first disappointment occurred circa 1992 on a family road trip from Minnesota to Phoenix.  (It was the same trip to which I referred while discussing the Eagles album in my May 31, 2020 post.)  We had a planning meeting or two with our travel partners, the Cipolles, to determine which of several possible routes we should take on this journey, which would cover over 3200 miles round trip.  We unanimously agreed to do some sight seeing along the way.  I was adamant about just one destination, the Four Corners.  It is the only place in the United States where four states come together.  Clockwise from the northwest they are Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona.  Ever since I was a boy I had pictured a grand scene, complete with sculptures, a garden with beautiful wild flowers, historical plaques documenting the significance of the site, souvenir and gift shops (maybe even an ice cream shop or a candy store) and, who knows, a saloon or two?  I predicted the four states would want to use the uniqueness of the site to do a little bragging, setting up tourist information storefronts or at least kiosks, touting their respective attractions and nearby points of interest.  Of course there would be a professional photographer who, for a mere $10 or so, would be happy to take a keepsake picture of you and your three friends each standing in "their own state," or perhaps a photo of just you with an extremity planted in each state as if you were playing a game of Twister.  People would be willing to go out of their way to see this one-of-a-kind national landmark, so the mood would be happy, festive and celebratory.  Most of all, I wanted to see how The Spot was marked.

Instead what we found was grim and uninspiring.  There were few signs directing the minimal traffic off the county highway to the dirt road leading to Four Corners.  The Navajo and Hopi Indians had set up makeshift huts with plywood tables, forming a semi-circle about forty yards in radius from the exact Four Corners spot.  On those tables were trinkets and inexpensive jewelry for sale.  Near most of the huts were faded flags, some Old Glory, others probably state or tribal flags, still others representing unknown entities.  The point of intersection of the four states was marked by a simple brass disk, with a diameter of eight to ten inches, imbedded in pavement.  In the middle of the disk were two engraved perpendicular lines, with the name of one of the states occupying each quadrant.  There were no sculptures or plaques, nor was there a garden, beautiful or otherwise.  The huts with the cheap tables were the closest thing to a shop.  Not a tourist information kiosk was to be found.  To my dismay, there were no postcards for sale.  If you wanted a photo you were on your own.  In truth, it was a bit of a personal letdown, though still worth a one-time visit.  In retrospect I should not have expected more from this remote desert station.  The words of my favorite poem, Ozymandias, later came to mind: "...boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away."

***

You are no doubt familiar with the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”  You would think, following the Four Corners experience, I would have learned to lower my expectations, but eleven years later I fell victim to unjustified hopes for the second time.

I grew up in the far reaches of northern Illinois, fifteen miles as the crow flies from the Wisconsin line.  Downstate Illinois -- which for most natives of that state means roughly its southern three-quarters -- was an intriguing mystery.  I tried to convince my parents to take my sister and me on a Downstate road trip so I could discover what the rest of our native state had to offer, but I had to settle for a one-time weekend jaunt to Springfield, the historic capital located in central Illinois.  Our family summer vacations invariably took us in the opposite direction to the North Woods of Wisconsin, where my dad enjoyed his single hobby, fishing.  Downstate would have to wait.

As a boy I read Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn twice each.  I loved the way Mark Twain described life in the river town of Hannibal, Missouri.  His descriptions led me to think of Hannibal as being similar to Libertyville, only with the extra benefit of being on the Mississippi.  How great must it be, therefore, to experience Cairo, the southernmost city in Illinois, blessed with not one (the Mississippi) but two (the Ohio) of our country's most important rivers?  Plus, there was something exotic about the name "Cairo."  Even its pronunciation, KAY-roe, was a little offbeat.  I had to see the place for myself.  It finally happened on a road trip with Momma Cuandito in 2003.

I've considered several adjectives to describe what we saw driving through Cairo.  No single descriptor I came up with paints an exact picture.  I had ridden on the Vomit Comet through the ghettos of Chicago's South Side on my way to South Bend many times.  I drove through some scary neighborhoods in Detroit shortly after the riots there in the late '60's.  Gary, Indiana at night made my heart go "pitter pat," and not in a good way, even though I was with a couple of fellow Domers who lived there.  In spite of those sorrowful recollections, I was shocked by what had become of Cairo.  On a much smaller scale, it was just as disheartening as those other places.  Unlike Chicago and Detroit, where at least the downtowns were immune from the ravages evident in other parts of the city, downtown Cairo was in shambles.  Boarded storefronts, broken glass, crumbling sidewalk and street pavement, piles of rubbish, and nary a soul to be seen.  More than one social observer has called Cairo a ghost town.

The history of the town, details of which are beyond the scope of this post, furnishes a combination of reasons for its demise.  Racial injustice dating to the antebellum era, the building of railroad and highway bridges which destroyed the once-booming ferry boat business, and the rerouting of railroads which had helped Cairo become more or less a mid-South transportation hub are three major contributing factors.

Momma Cuan and I continued our drive a mile or two south of downtown to the actual confluence of the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers.  During the Civil War it was the site of Fort Defiance, a citadel which enabled the Union army to control navigation of those waters.  This historic property is now deserted. The most remarkable items are the scores of fallen timber which drape the grounds.  There was no commemoration or shred of evidence of the existence of Fort Defiance and the strategic role it played in the Civil War.  There was not even a small sign indicating that this point is, in fact, where the two great rivers merge.  At least Four Corners had that engraved brass disk.

News Flashes:  We haven't had an exam on the Quentin Chronicle since June 10, 2014 when I presented my Citizenship Test.  Try your hand at this one question quiz.

Question: Which state is the closest to Africa?

A. Maine.

B. Massachusetts.

C. New York.

D. Delaware.

E. Florida.

A large portion of Americans tend to think of the "Lower 48" as a rectangle.  I attribute some of that misconception to our preoccupation with sports.  For example, teams along the Atlantic seaboard are often clumped together in one division.  In Major League Baseball's American League, the American cities in the Eastern Division are Boston, New York, Baltimore and Tampa.  None of the five cities in the AL Central Division are anywhere near the coast, with Cleveland being the closest.  In the National Football League, the four metropolitan areas with teams in the East Division of the American Conference are Boston, Buffalo, New York and Miami.  There are other examples at both the pro and college level, but my point is that the southern teams and northern teams along the coast are grouped together as if they were lined up vertically.  Yet, consider these tidbits: Atlanta is practically due south of Detroit, and Miami is lined up longitudinally with Pittsburgh.

The counterintuitive stuff isn't limited to the East.  Did you know that Carson City, the capital of Nevada, is west of Los Angeles?  So are three other state capitals in the Lower 48: Sacramento, Salem and Olympia.  The lesson to be gleaned here is that LA is not situated at the bottom left hand corner of the country's rectangle because -- wait for it -- there is no rectangle.

And now, back to the quiz.  The correct answer is "A."  Maine juts out far enough into the Atlantic to make the seemingly impossible true.  If you win any dough via wagering, I'll expect a small cut.

Eating Crow:  I am going to close this post with one more geographic oddity, this one regarding my native state, Illinois.  I read in a recent publication that six states border Illinois.  I could not believe an editor did not catch the egregious error.  As someone who lived in Illinois for over thirteen years and was fairly well-versed in its geography, I knew for a fact that the correct number of its bordering neighbors was five: Wisconsin, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri and Iowa.  Any Illinoisan worth his salt can tell you that.  But, here is the catch!  Technically, Illinois also shares a border with Michigan.  It is located northeast of Chicago in the middle of Lake Michigan.   

Quarterly Cinema Scan - Volume XL

Of all the many rock bands which originated in the city of Chicago, the band Chicago, with over 100 million records sold, has been the most successful.  The group was formed in 1967 under the name Chicago Transit Authority, which was also the title of their first album released in April 1969, two months before I graduated from Notre Dame.  The original roster was comprised of seven musicians, all but one of whom grew up in Chicagoland.  Dillon Hall had a bunch of guys like me who had a Chicago connection, and many of us bought that debut album, playing it repeatedly.  The album also garnered heavy air play on our campus radio station, WSND.

We assumed that the seven Chicago members were probably at least in their mid-to-late twenties, like most of the rockers from the British Invasion.  For example, the youngest Beatle, George Harrison, was 26 years old in the spring of '69; the youngest Rolling Stone, Keith Richards, was 25.  Therefore, we were astonished to learn that the majority of Chicago's members were our contemporaries, having been born in the years 1946-1948.  (For perspective, I was born in '47.)  When the band had been formed, three or four of the guys were studying music at De Paul University.

Chicago's lineup consisted of keyboard player Robert Lamm, bass player Peter Cetera, lead guitarist Terry Kath, a drummer and three horn players.  They billed themselves as "a rock band with horns."  Their sound was a rare blend of rock, pop and jazz.  Another facet which made them unique was this: There was no single lead singer or front man.  Lamm, Cetera and Kath expertly handled that role.  Although the seven players were considered to have equal "say" in Chicago's operation, Kath was an alpha.  He was a fun loving guy but was not shy about expressing his thoughts on their music.

By the time of Kath's death in January 1978, Chicago was unquestionably one of the biggest bands in the world, with nineteen Top 40 singles to their credit.  But Kath was a complex character who did not enjoy being a celebrity.  The band's success meant when they performed on tour, the fans wanted to hear their hits.  Kath, conversely, wanted to play whatever he felt like playing, preferring to jam and ad lib instead of sticking to studio versions.  His dissatisfaction brought him to the point where he fully intended to move to Los Angeles and form another band, emphasizing "without horns."  He even had a name for it, Cook County.  He never fulfilled that dream.

Kath died accidentally in 1978 from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.  He had been playing with handguns, as was his habit, and did not realize there was a bullet in the chamber.  He left behind a twenty month old daughter, Michelle, who in 2016 produced a film titled The Terry Kath Experience.  It is a thorough, unvarnished tribute to her father's legacy.  It also serves as a fascinating history of the band's formation and rise to stardom.  The film includes incisive, sometimes heart-wrenching interviews with all six of Kath's bandmates plus their producer from the early days, Jim Guercio.  Michelle also interviews some of rock's guitar royalty such as Joe Walsh of the Eagles, Mike Campbell of the Heartbreakers and Jeff Lynne of ELO.  To a man, they all agree that Kath should be considered one of the greatest guitar players in music history.

***

I have not been to a movie theater since February.  I miss seeing new films, but I've filled the gap by watching more movies at the Quentin Estates.  The seventeen listed below are the most I have covered in any Quarterly Cinema Scan.          

1. As Good As It Gets (1997 comedy; Misanthropic author Jack Nicholson steps in to help when the young son of his favorite waitress, Helen Hunt, has medical problems, and when his gay neighbor, painter Greg Kinnear, is severely beaten during a home invasion.)  B+

2. Bad Day At Black Rock (1955 drama; one-armed Spencer Tracy arrives by train in a remote California desert town whose members, led by Robert Ryan, are intent on keeping a secret.)  C+

3. Cadillac Records (2008 musical biopic; Adrian Brody is Len Chess, the white owner of an independent Chicago record label which launched careers of many black artists, including Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright), Chuck Berry (Mos Def) and Etta James (Beyonce).)  B

4. Days Of Heaven (1978 drama; lovers Richard Gere and Brooke Adams pose as siblings in a plot to scam Sam Shepard, a wealthy Texas Panhandle wheat farmer.) B-

5. The Good Liar (2019 drama; ruthless con artist Ian McKellan meets recently widowed Helen Mirren, then sets her up in a scheme to steal her entire fortune.)  B+

6. Good Will Hunting  (1997 drama; When M.I.T. math professor Stellan Skarsgard discovers school janitor Matt Damon is a savant, he lines up therapist Robin Williams, a former classmate, to save Damon from wasting his life.)  A-

7. Grand Prix (1966 drama; James Garner and Yves Montand are two of four racers on the Grand Prix circuit, all with women problems as they defy death at 200 mph.)  C

8. The Hustler (1961 drama; Paul Newman is a pool shark who becomes attracted to alcoholic Piper Laurie, indebted to gambler George C. Scott, and challenged by the country’s best pool professional, Jackie Gleason.)  B-

9. Looking For Mr. Goodbar  (1977 drama; Diane Keaton leads a double life, teaching deaf children by day, then hooking up with Richard Gere and other creepy men she meets in seedy bars at night.) C-

10. The Natural (1984 baseball fantasy; Sixteen years after he leaves girlfriend Glen Close behind to pursue a baseball career, Robert Redford attempts a comeback with a hapless major league team managed by cranky Wilford Brimley, while being distracted by bombshell Kim Bassinger.)  B

11. An Officer And A Gentleman (1982 drama; Richard Gere is a complex candidate to become a Navy pilot, but must first survive a grueling thirteen week training course under the tutelage of Marine drill sergeant Louis Gossett, Jr. and a tempestuous romance with Puget Sound "Deb" Debra Winger.)   A-

12. Surprised By Love (2015 rom-com; Hilarie Burton, a Wharton MBA with a corner office in her father's corporation, invites old boyfriend Paul Campbell to her parents' 40th anniversary party at the suggestion of real boyfriend Aaron Craven.)  B+

13. The Terry Kath Experience (2016 music documentary made by the daughter of Terry, co-founder and lead guitarist of the band Chicago, who accidentally died at age 31 from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.)  B+

14. The Three Faces Of Eve (1957 drama; psychiatrist Lee J. Cobb attempts to help Joanne Woodward, a meek Georgia housewife and mother with split personality syndrome.)  B

15. Unforgiven (1992 western; Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman, two gunslingers turned Kansas farmers, join young Jaimz Woolvett in a quest to kill two cowboys who brutally disfigured Montana hooker Anna Thomson.)  B+

16.  The Valachi Papers (1972 crime drama; In return for being allowed the safety of solitary confinement, former Cosa Nostra driver and hit man Charles Bronson recounts to FBI agent Gerald S. O’Loughlin his days as a mobster, including detailed descriptions of the crimes committed under the direction of the dons.)  C

17.  The Way Back (2020 sports drama; alcoholic Ben Affleck, separated from his wife Janina Gavankar for a year, accepts a position as temporary head basketball coach for the high school which he led to the state championship over 20 years ago.)  C

The Sheyenne River Byway

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

- Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, author of "Molly Bawn" (1878)

A high school classmate recently sent me a meme comprised of a wide angle picture of a golden wheat field, otherwise empty save for a few hay bales scattered throughout.  The horizon line stretches far in the distance.  Above the image are the words, "North Dakota. Come For The..."  And, below: "Nevermind.  There's nothing here."

Residents and natives of many states will find some reason to include their homeland in any discussion regarding which of the Fifty have the most natural beauty.  For some states such as Alaska, Colorado and North Carolina, justification for inclusion is probably easy to come by.  For others, a little imagination is required.  Montanans love their Big Sky Country. Texans write poems about their Wide Open Spaces.  The wind comes sweepin' down the plain in Oklahoma.  (Thank you for the image, Messrs. Rodgers and Hammerstein.)  A college friend of mine from southern Indiana once opined, "If you take away Lake County, Indiana might be the Midwest's most scenic state."  Well, yeah; and if you take away those four runs Clayton Kershaw gave up in the sixth inning, he would have had a shutout.

Among the many attributes of North Dakotans, two I particularly admire are these: They are extremely proud of their state, and they rarely feel a need to convince any outsider of the correctness of their opinion.  If outsiders can’t appreciate the beauty of the land, well, that’s on them.  In fact North Dakotans, ever confident, are even willing to poke some fun at themselves, hence the wheat field meme.  "Flat is where it's at," proclaims a popular Nodak T-shirt.  While driving through the state you might see "It's not a tree, it's a telephone pole" on a bumper sticker.

All kidding aside, one doesn't have to look very hard to appreciate the splendor of North Dakota.  And, as an expat of the Peace Garden State, I find it easy to defend any accusations of exaggeration or hallucination from people who think of the place as strictly fly over territory or the frozen tundra.  I wasn't always in the camp of the state's ardent admirers.  Between 1966 and 1976 I probably made the 1000 mile round trip between the Twin Cities and Minot close to three dozen times.  On those journeys I was always in a hurry to reach my destination.  (The first time I ever drove 100 m.p.h. was on I-94, about twenty-five miles west of Fargo. Dumb!)  But then I finally got smart; I ditched the interstate.

****

Have you ever been at a party when the conversation has run dry?  Here is the perfect ice-breaker.  You gather a small group around you and posit this querry:  Does anybody know the difference between a byway and a backway?  If that doesn’t reignite the chatter, nothing will.  (Or, it could also be a good way to clear your house of guests if you're the exhausted host.)

Let's start with the basics.  There is a regulated system of Scenic Byways across the United States, thus dissuading states’ Departments Of Tourism from  posting homemade roadside signs making such proclamation anywhere they choose.  In order to qualify officially as a Scenic Byway, the U.S. Department Of Transportation requires that one or more of the following attributes of the road must be present: scenic, natural, historic, cultural, archeological and recreational.  The federal government calls these "intrinsic qualities."  Due to probable overlapping of these qualities, most Scenic Byways boast several, not just one, of the mandatory characteristics.

North Dakota hosts seven Scenic Byways, of which two have earned special recognition from the feds, and three Scenic Backways.  You have waited patiently for an explanation of the definitional difference, so here it is in all its simplicity.  In addition to meeting one of the six requisites listed above, a Byway must be a road with an all-weather surface suitable for automobile and RV travel.  This can mean either a paved road or a gravel road which is graded and regularly maintained.  There are no such guaranties with the Backways.  They are mostly dirt or gravel roads, with several stretches unsuitable for RVs and other large vehicles.  There may also be safety concerns associated with Backways, such as washouts or unstable shoulders.  The average length of North Dakota's seven Byways is 51 miles; the three Backways' average is 28.

For the two Byways which have earned national recognition, state highway signs are replaced by white rectangular signs trumpeting "AMERICA'S BYWAYS" in red capital letters, above which is an illustration of a fluttering triangular flag, blue with a white star in the middle.  The other five Byways and the three Backways are marked by green rectangular signs with white block lettering below an image of a bison.  (Must have been designed by an North Dakota State University alum.)

Forty-six states -- all but Hawaii, Texas, Nebraska and Rhode Island -- are home to at least one nationally recognized Scenic Byway.  The two North Dakota claims are the Sheyenne River Valley National Scenic Byway (the "Sheyenne River Byway"), the first in the state to earn national recognition, and the Standing Rock National Native American Scenic Byway (the "Standing Rock Byway").  I have driven each of them twice.  (I've also driven the Old Red/Old Ten Scenic Byway once.  Its endpoints are Mandan and Dickinson in the state's southwest quadrant.)  The Sheyenne River Byway is located in southeastern North Dakota, running between Lisbon and Baldhill Dam on Lake Ashtabula.  The Standing Rock Byway lies in southwestern North Dakota, starting 41 miles south of Mandan at Cannon Ball and extending beyond the South Dakota line.  What follows are a few lasting impressions from my travels up the Sheyenne River Byway.

****

The sixty-three mile long Sheyenne River Byway follows its namesake river, winding through some of the most beautiful countryside North Dakota has to offer.  My first exploration of the road took me over three hours.  I could have used four, but made the mistake of starting too late in the day, then rushing a bit so I could eat dinner at my favorite ND restaurant, City Lights in Valley City, before it closed.  I did not repeat that error on my second time through a couple of years later.  There are so many things to view, including the forty-one award winning interpretive panels which populate the route, and the gorgeous vistas which await the traveler, seemingly around every bend.  An important feature for camera bugs is that, unlike most of the Standing Rock Byway, the Sheyenne River Byway is  girded by relatively wide shoulders.  That, coupled with the fact that (like most North Dakota roads) there is very little traffic, enables the traveler to pull over, get out of the vehicle and snap pictures to his heart's content.  Sometimes I even hopped a fence and strode twenty or thirty yards into a field just to get "the perfect shot."

The southern third of the Sheyenne River Byway is forested, a fact which might come as a surprise to out-of-state visitors.  The route takes you through the Sheyenne River State Forest, where bur oak, quaking aspen, basswood and ironwood trees grow in abundance.  The state forest is also the home of North Dakota's only waterfall, Mineral Springs. Countless groves of trees grow on both sides of the Sheyenne, so even on those stretches of the Byway where the river can't be seen, you know where it is; just look for those leafy clusters.

There are 347 species of birds living in or traveling through North Dakota.  The Sheyenne Valley is popular with birders because of the variety of terrain.  The woodlands following the river contrast with the wavy grasslands and the fields of grain crops, thereby attracting an assortment of the winged creatures.  The Audubon Society lists roughly twenty different bird types of special local interest in the valley, most of which I've never heard of.  How about the northern harrier, the marbled godwit, the ovenbird or the yellow-throated vireo?  As for four-legged creatures, I saw many horses and cows, plus an occasional deer and a lonely coyote.  Although North Dakota farms and ranches are not open range, the curious animals are willing to lope over to the wire fences separating them from the road in order to check out human visitors.

If shooting pictures isn't your thing, don't let that stop you from trying the Byway, especially if you're interested in American history.  The area was home to several military outposts, including Fort Ransom.  In the 1860's and 1870's, Harris Ford Crossing was the point along the Sheyenne where westward bound army wagons carrying supplies and mail crossed to reach Fort Ransom from Fort Abercrombie.  The soldiers' main responsibility was to protect the settlers who were either making their home in the valley or else heading toward the western reaches of the Louisiana Purchase.  The village of Fort Ranson, named for the nearby fort, was founded in 1878 as a lumber and flour mill center.  The hamlet still stands today, notwithstanding the misfortune of having the Northern Pacific Railroad laying its tracks far to the north.  On the outskirts of the village lies the mysterious Pyramid Hill, on top of which stands a Viking statue.  Some archeologists believe that the hill, which actually does resemble a pyramid, is part of a network of Native American burial grounds, possibly dating back to the ninth century.

The majority of the settlers in the region were Lutherans from Scandinavia.  Two historic houses of worship, the Preston Church and the Waldheim Church, are situated several miles apart on the Byway north of Fort Ransom.    Those buildings, completed under the direction of Lutheran missionaries in 1898 and 1900, respectively, were once surrounded by tiny houses and cabins.  Now, other than a small cemetery across the road from Waldheim Church, the buildings stand alone.

Other historic sights along the Byway include: Walker Dam, originally built in 1906, sabotaged shortly thereafter in a water rights dispute, and rebuilt in the 1930s by the Works Progress Administration (better known as the "WPA") under FDR's New Deal; Wadeson Park, where a one room cabin built of oak logs and local uncut stone was used as a community center; and, King School, a one room frontier school house just south of Valley City.  All of these buildings have been lovingly preserved for more than a century.

The "city" of Kathryn, population 52, marks the midpoint of the Sheyenne River Byway.  Pioneers first established homes here in 1870, and thirty years later were lucky enough to have the Northern Pacific create a stop in its midst.  In fact, when the town incorporated, the name it chose was in honor of a railroad executive's daughter.  Other stations along the prairie route were likewise named for execs' wives and daughters, thus becoming known as "The Ladies' Line."  As important as the railroad was to the town's survival, the establishment of a co-op grain elevator played a key role in Kathryn's survival.  Outside of Valley City, the concrete elevator bearing the name "Kathryn Farmers Mutual Elevator Company" is the tallest structure on the Byway.  In the North Dakota lexicon, grain elevators dotting the plains are sometimes called "prairie skyscrapers."

Valley City, with a population over 6300, stands as an anomaly on the Byway.  It bills itself as "The Most Beautiful Town in North Dakota."  (Interestingly, Valley City State University unabashedly claims to have the most beautiful campus in the state.) The local Visitors' Bureau and the Chamber of Commerce also refer to Valley City as the "City Of Bridges," a reference to its thirteen bridges having varying degrees of historical interest.  Travelers sometimes use Valley City as a home base for exploring both the Sheyenne River Byway and the North Country Trail, both of which cut through the town.  The North Country Trail is America's longest hiking trail, spanning over 4600 miles from Vermont to central North Dakota.  The Rosebud Visitor Center in downtown Valley City is a very helpful resource.

The northernmost point of the Sheyenne River Byway lies eleven miles beyond Valley City at Baldhill Dam.  Built by the U.S. Army Corps Of Engineers from 1941 to 1951, the dam was desperately needed to control the flow of the Sheyenne River as it wended its way through precious farmland on its way to the Red River.  The dam created Lake Ashtabula, a twenty-seven mile long wide spot in the river, not unlike the relationship between Lake Pepin and the Mississippi.  The Corps strategizes with the National Weather Service and the U.S. Geological Survey, studying flood forecasts which impact the Corps' adjustments of the lake level.  With 74 miles of shoreline, there is a plethora of resorts, beaches, marinas, lakeshore campgrounds and restaurants.  Northern pike, walleyes and yellow perch are the main attraction.

****

The North Dakota Department Of Tourism spends a lot of money airing television advertisements in the Twin Cities market.  Their spokesperson is movie actor Josh Duhamel, a native of my town, Minot.  "North Dakota Legendary" is the service mark.  For the most part the advertisements tout the splendor of Theodore Roosevelt National Park, and the big city lights of Fargo.  I have been to those places, and there is no disputing they both deserve the attention.  If and when Josh rings me up for my advice on how the state can improve its lure, my suggestion will be to start a campaign promoting North Dakota's Byways and Backways.  I expect that call at any moment.  

The Ten Albums Challenge

I was never in the Marines but yet, having managed thus far to avoid becoming a Facebook registrant, I am among the few, the proud.  I have reservations about it, the same reservations that I'd guess even those of you on Facebook might have.

However, since I became a grandfather in 2013 it's been tempting to surrender and join society's majority.   For one thing, Facebook appears to be the main vehicle (with the possible addition of Instagram) for sharing kiddies' pictures with your "friends."  Ah, but there's that dreaded "F" word, "friends."  Think how embarrassing it would be to create a Facebook account and then admit to the world that your roster of friends totaled a measly 15.

In spite of this reticence I am not completely isolated from Facebook posts.  Momma Cuandito frequently alerts me to pictures of our kids and grandkids, posts from folks such as my former students or classmates, or particularly funny offerings, many of which target a certain politician of national renown.  In this age of sheltering in place, people have more time to spend on the internet, sometimes resorting to on-line games and virtual activities to replace the in-person social contact they are missing.

Earlier this month Star Tribune music writer Chris Riemenschneider wrote about a Facebook activity called the "Ten Albums Challenge.”  This enterprise entails a poster requiring a selected friend ("Friend # 1") to name ten albums which have influenced her taste in music.  Friend # 1 posts a picture of one album cover a day -- "no explanations, no reviews" -- for ten consecutive days.  With each such post Friend # 1 tags a friend ("Friend # 2"), thereupon challenging Friend # 2 to follow suit.  In effect, what you end up with is a sort of chain letter, and everyone I know hates chain letters. So do I.

Still, with time on my hands I find at least the first part of the Ten Albums Challenge intriguing, so I've compiled a list of what ten albums I would pick if I were on Facebook and one of my 15 friends invited me to play.  It is important to note what the Ten Albums Challenge is not:  It is not necessarily a call to list your ten favorite albums, nor are you being asked to name the ten albums which you consider the most important or greatest in the pop/rock era.  The exercise mostly has to do with influence.  Riemenschneider also points out "some participants make a point of choosing less obvious picks to tell a little bit more about themselves."  Why pick an album like Michael Jackson's Thriller or Pink Floyd's The Dark Side Of The Moon when thousands of other participants will do the same?

In order to suit my blogging purposes -- not to mention my dearth of techno proficiency -- I have tweaked Facebook's rules of engagement, to wit, in place of album cover photos without explanations, I am offering some textual tidbits for each of my selections.  The albums appear in chronological order.

1. Ella And Louis, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong (Verve Records, 1956).  When I was eight years old my dad, The Marquis, brought home a hi fi record player.  It was a cherry wood four foot high piece of furniture with a turntable and a relatively large one-channel speaker.  He correctly figured, what good was a fancy record player without some records, so he also surprised us with six vinyl albums.  The one I played constantly was Ella And Louis, a blend of Ella's beautiful smooth voice with Louis' gravely singing, which was actually more like speaking. Good thing for him he was a premier trumpet player.  My two favorite tracks were Can't We Be Friends? and Irving Berlin's Isn't This A Lovely Day?  My family enjoyed this LP so much that the following year we bought the newly released Ella And Louis Again which contains my favorite song by them, Let's Call The Whole Thing Off, written by George and Ira Gershwin.

2. Christmas Sing-Along With Mitch, Mitch Miller And The Gang (Columbia Records, 1958).  Here is another favorite from my Libertyville days.  My parents always made a big deal out of Christmas, and my sister, Michele, and I were more than willing to go along.  By 1958 we had accumulated a number of traditional Christmas albums, but the one with which we had the most fun was Christmas Sing-Along With Mitch.  The unique feature of this LP was its inclusion of ten or twelve lyrics sheets which we individually used (as the title suggests) to sing along with Mitch and his joyous chorale.  You might say this was the precursor to karaoke.  Of the four of us, The Marquis was most in need of the assistance provided by the lyrics sheets.  He could never remember the lyrics to any song.  His version of Joy To The World included this opening line: "Joy to the world, and hear the angels sing, Arf! Arf!"

3. Surfin' U.S.A., The Beach Boys (Capitol Records, 1963).  It was the year before the British Invasion.  We were now living in Iowa.  For the last two years I had been working at my first real job selling shoes in a discount department store, a position the Marquis lined up for me by lying to the store manager about my age.  I had some money to spend.  It was time to buy my first album.  The two biggest American bands were the 4 Seasons and the Beach Boys.  The latter's surf sound was appealing to me, notwithstanding the fact that not only had I never surfed but I had never even seen an ocean (unless you count New York City's East River).  The first of the six Beach Boys singles to reach the Top 40 on the Billboard chart in 1963 was the title track from their second album, Surfin' U.S.A.  The B-side of the single was Shut Down, a race car song lasting only 1:49.  Despite its brevity, Shut Down got so much radio airplay that it charted independently, peaking at # 23.  Instead of spending one dollar buying the single '45 with the two hit sides, I splurged by purchasing the entire album for $4, the going LP price in those days.  That turned out to be a smart move as it enabled me to discover what is meant by a "deep cut."  Farmer's Daughter, never released as a single, was my favorite tune on the platter.

4. Meet The Beatles!, The Beatles (Capitol Records, 1964).  Including Meet The Beatles! undoubtedly runs afoul of Riemenschneider's admonition against picking an album which arguably deserves to be on every music fan's list of ten, but then how credible would it be to leave out the one album which meant the most to me throughout high school?  I have written before (March 10, 2014) about the mid-winter scene when I first moved to Minot in January 1964.  I can't overstate how the band impacted me.  The LP's release also coincided, more or less, with my drumming exploits.  I played along on my newly acquired kit with many of the Brit bands' albums and singles, but I kept coming back to this LP, practically wearing it out.  As a drummer, my favorite tracks were I Saw Her Standing There and It Won't Be Long.  Like many Beatles fans, I have purchased every album of theirs, read several books (including Lennon by Philip Norman) and even spent three days in Liverpool seeing the Fab Four sights (as recounted in my October 31 and November 12, 2016 posts).

5. Hear! Here!, The Hollies (Imperial Records, 1965).  While in high school I never thought there'd be another band to rival my affection for the Beatles.  Then I got to college and heard a South Bend band called the MRQ in concert in the Stepan Center (the "giant popcorn shaker," as labeled by Paul Stookey).  They were an incredibly talented quintet comprised of musicians not much older than I.  Their specialty was Hollies and Byrds songs which they played and sang to perfection, including three part harmony. The MRQ’s set list wasn't limited to just the hits, either.  After hearing these boys from The Bend, I absolutely had to have as much Hollies music as I could find.  Of the many Hollies LPs I accumulated over the years, Hear! Here!, the first one I bought, remains my favorite because almost every one of the twelve songs exhibits the supreme drumming chops of Bobby Elliott, my idol along with Foreigner's drummer, Dennis Elliott (no relation to my knowledge).  Unheralded deep cuts You Must Believe Me, a Curtis Mayfield cover, and I've Been Wrong are two I've played over a hundred times.  I have seen the Hollies three times in concert: once in their glory days at the Orpheum in downtown Minneapolis, once (if you can believe it) at the Burnsville Bowl, and in 2017 in their hometown, Manchester, England.

6. Greatest Hits, The Temptations (Gordy, 1966).  I have tried to avoid selecting greatest hits albums for my list, but must capitulate here for at least three reasons.  First, for many years the majority of albums in my collection were, in fact, greatest hits compilations.  It was a surefire way to save money and be assured that there would not be any (or much) filler in the track list.  Second, I love every single one of the twelve songs by the Temptin' Ts, my go-to group when I’m in the mood for Motown.  Since I Lost My Baby is my favorite.  I sing it on sunny days.  (Momma Cuan often leaves the room.)  Third, it gives me an opportunity to plug one of my earliest posts from February 6, 2012, Singing With The Temptations.  I had a chance to see The Tempts in South Bend, circa 1967.  They were only on stage for a half hour but it was perpetual motion.  There was no interlude between songs as they segued from one hit to another.  Silky smooth.

7. Eagles, The Eagles (Asylum, 1972).  Classic rock is my favorite genre, and what better example to use than the Eagles?  Their legion of fans worldwide numbers in the millions.  Most of those folks would probably select Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975 or Hotel California for purposes of the Ten Albums Challenge.  They rank respectively as the # 1 and # 3 best selling albums of all time in the United States.  However, I have chosen the Eagles’ first album, the eponymous Eagles, because it is directly associated with two favorite personal memories.  The first:  When our kids were in grade school we took a family road trip to Arizona with our friends, the Cipolles.  Our kids pleaded with us to allow them to ride in the Cipolles’ conversion van rather than our Plain Jane model.  On our way home the two families hooked up at a McDonald's in Winslow, Arizona.  Gina and Michael came up to me with exciting news.  "You wouldn't believe it.  Bob just played Take It Easy about six times in a row!"  Of course, that's the Eagles song which contains the famous lyric,  "Well I'm standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona."  Years later on our second trip through Winslow we went downtown where a sculpture commemorating that song appropriately stands on a corner.  The second: You might not have seen this on Entertainment Tonight, but in 1997 I made my karaoke debut in the hotel bar next to Mitchell Airport in Milwaukee.  I had been wanting to try my hand at karaoke for some time, but I lacked the courage to do so until I was far away from home.  I figured, "I'll never see these people again."  After downing a couple of PBRs I had my three minutes of fame.  The song I chose was Peaceful Easy Feeling which, along with Take It Easy, are on Eagles.

8.  The Big Chill, Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Motown, 1983).  This selection is a perfect example of an entertaining movie (graded A- in my July 24, 2018 Quarterly Cinema Scan) partnering with an even more enjoyable soundtrack.  There are only ten tracks and it's almost impossible to pick a favorite.  (Okay, if you insist, Ain't Too Proud To Beg by the Temptations.)  For an extra added treat, couple this album with its successor released in 1984, More Songs From The Original Soundtrack.  An interesting tidbit is that neither album contains the Rolling Stones' You Can't Always Get What You Want, due to apparent licensing problems.  That is unfortunate mainly because one of the best scenes in the film is a funeral service in which the decedent's friend plays that song on the chapel’s organ at his request.  A Periolat family tradition, mirroring another scene in the movie, is to play the soundtrack as we are cleaning up after our Thanksgiving Day feast.

9.  Lost Highway, Bon Jovi (Island Records, 2007).  Listing my ten albums albums in chronological order -- a self-imposed rule -- puts me in a bind here.  I only have room for one more since I know with certainty what LP goes in the final slot.  As for the nine hole, do I go with Lost Highway or Jason Aldean's My Kinda Party?  The latter contains Fly Over States which has particular appeal for someone like me who has lived in five different midwestern states.  Do I need a country album to reflect my growing taste for that genre?  Perhaps Lost Highway, which was recorded in Nashville and reveals the New Jersey rockers infusing a country flavor, is close enough.  Bon Jovi has been a favorite of mine since the late eighties.  I play my homemade thirty song Bon Jovi mix all the time.  Tico Torres is a solid drummer whom I had the opportunity to watch closely when Momma Cuan and I had concert tickets which lined up directly to his side.  The highlight of Lost Highway is the finest "dad song" I've ever heard, Walk Like A Man.  For some unknown reason, that song only appears as a bonus track on the discs which were available in Target.  Whoever made that marketing decision must not be a dad.

10. Born In The Way, Luke Warm & The Cool Hands (2013).  Of all the live acts I've had the pleasure to see in person, L-Watch stands out for providing the most fun, having the most loyal multi-generational fan base, working hard at their blue grass craft, superb musicianship and creative song writing.  They have played in packed venues all over town, and elsewhere.  The atmosphere they create is electric.  It's hard to believe their talented lead guitarist, Michael, is related to me.  Since it's difficult for me to verbalize the sentiment, I hereby put it in writing for all to see: I am very proud of him.  I would be remiss if I did not also tip my hat to the other guys: multi-instrumentalist Charlie, guitarist JP, lead vocalist Matty, and none other than Luke Warm himself, my son-in-law and bassist, Uncle Luke.  They all deserve the success that has come their way.  Favorite tunes?  North American Pastoral is at the top of my list, but Fly The Coop and She Must Be Friends With Raccoons are not far behind.  The band's second album, 2016's What Makes You Happy?, is likewise a winner.  How could it not be when it includes the song Michael wrote for his two year old daughter, Winnie Jo? 

What The Hey? Thirty Questions From A Deep Thinker

Sheltering in place has given me a lot of time to ponder the great questions facing us as a society.  I am not "speaking" of world peace, medicine, law, economics, education or the arts.  For the time being I will leave those discussions in the hands of the specialists.  No, I am more of a generalist, and thus my queries cover a broad landscape.  Perhaps you know the answer to some of these.  If so, consider yourself blessed.  Meanwhile, my quest for knowledge continues.

_____

* When cowboys tie up their horses to a hitchin' post, why don't they make a knot instead of just twirling the rope around the post once?

* Why do politicians always have a cadre of people standing behind them at the lecturn during a speech?

* Why does CBS news anchor Norah O'Donnell refer to stories as "breaking news" even if the related event happened 10 hours ago?

* Why do people need to eat a $7 box of popcorn to get themselves through a two hour movie?  And why do the loudest chompers always sit directly behind me even in viewing rooms with 90% of the seats unoccupied?

*  Why is there no one universal source for finding and viewing old movies like there is for finding and listening to old music (e.g., via Spotify)?

_____

* Why don't Minnesota drivers know how to make a left turn?

* Why do North Dakota drivers at an intersection insist on recklessly pulling out in front of you but then drive 10 mph slower than the permitted speed?

* Why do Chicagoland drivers suck?

* Why do the fans and the band of a football team losing 35-0 sing and play "We Will Rock You" when they finally score a touchdown in the closing minutes?

*  Why is UFC legal?

_____

*  Why would anyone desire to take a boat cruise with 5,000 other passengers on board?

*  Why are people who've spent $50 to attend a baseball game willing to miss two innings so they can stand in a line to purchase a $10 beer?

*  Why do people sitting around a camp fire want to reposition a log when the fire is already perfectly burning?

*  Why do people in a restaurant ask the server to add ground pepper or grated parmesan cheese to their food before they have even taken a bite?

*  Why do concert goers insist on doing a video recording with their phone held high over their heads, thus blocking the view of the folks behind them, instead of just living in the moment?

_____

*  Why does the audience in a comedy club laugh hysterically at jokes which are, at best, mildly amusing?

*  Why do the local TV news shows need to have three separate weather reports during the course of a thirty minute program?

*. Why doesn’t hotel housekeeping dust off the top of the tissue dispensers in the bathrooms?

* Why can’t French fries stay hot more than 45 seconds?

* Why do male country singers strap on a big ol’ guitar and then play it for only one verse?

_____

*  Why do airlines permit passengers in coach seats to move their seat-backs to a reclining position, thus making the flight miserable for the poor saps directly behind them?

*  Why does the city's snow plow driver wait until I'm finished shoveling out the foot of my driveway before he unnecessarily plows the street again, leaving a small mountain for me to clear?

*  Why do the people with cabins on the west end of the lake fish at the east end, while the cabin owners on the east end fish along the western shores?

*  Why don't more people know how to hold their fork while they are using a knife?

*  Why don't alleys have names like streets do?

_____

* Why do baseball managers and coaches wear uniforms, and why does Dusty Baker go so far as to wear wrist sweatbands?

* Why don’t the moderators of televised political debates employ a mute switch when a candidate ignores his allotted time?

* Why can’t the guy in front of me in the coffee shop queue simply order his drink plain black?

* Why do many sandwich shop employees use the same plastic gloves to handle money that they use to handle food?

*  Why do televised pharmaceutical ads show actors doing activities unrelated to the product they're shilling, like sitting on a park bench, flying a kite or walking along a stream?  By the way, don’t take Trulicity if you are allergic to Trulicity.

Grammar Gripes & Tips

I'd rather be a comma

Than a full stop.

- "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” (Coldplay, 2011)

I feel good, 

I knew that I would.

- "I Got You" (James Brown, 1965)

Ever since I started blogging I always assumed there would be two constants supplying a limitless trove of post topics: movies and sports.  Until this past mid-March, several new movies hit the silver screen every week, and there was rarely a time when a professional, college or high school game of some sort was not at hand.  Those have been the mainstays of The Quentin Chronicle since its inception eight and a half years ago.  Now with the coronavirus and all the sadness and mayhem it brings, we are in uncharted waters.  My two reliable wells for fodder have run dry for the time being.

In view of the foregoing, I thought I would go back to a topic I've visited only twice before, on January 19 and February 21, 2012.  That topic is grammar, although this time I'm narrowing it to pet peeves and helpful tips.  Before we go any further, though, I suggest you reread the first paragraph of my January 19, 2012 post, in which I admit I'm throwing caution to the wind.  Fools rush in!

In pre-blog days I made a sporadic practice of sending grammar tips to my three kids.  I referred to those unsolicited emails as the "Sister Jane Memos," named in honor of my tremendous sixth grade teacher at St. Joe's in Libertyville.  Teaching English was her forte, and her lessons have stuck with me over the decades.  One of her favorite tools was diagramming sentences, a practice which went out with the Paleolithic Era.  Those were the days!  Luckily for my kids, I never foisted a diagramming exercise upon them.  

I was also blessed to have had a fantastic professor for "freshman comp" at Notre Dame.  Joseph Ryan, affectionately referred to as "Easy Joe," was a retired newspaperman for the Chicago Tribune.  One of the few lay profs who lived on campus, he resided in Lyons Hall.  Easy Joe might have been a lenient grader -- hence the nickname -- but he made you work for your "A."  There were many instances when I would undertake several drafts of a composition before submitting what I felt was practically a masterpiece.  I was wrong each time.  Easy Joe must have kept the bookstore's red pen sales robust as he'd mark up my paper and those of my classmates as only a veteran newspaper scribe could do.  Some of what he wrote in red were corrections; most were suggestions.  It was humbling because, doggone it, he was always right.

Now that I've dispensed with the preamble, it is time to move on to my list of ten items.  I've chosen "ten" because it is a nice round number.  In keeping with the title of this post I'm offering five gripes and five tips.  Take them or leave them as you wish, but here is a caveat:  Sister Jane and Easy Joe would agree with me.

[I have placed a bold-printed EX in front of examples below.] 

GRIPES

 1.  A comma is not a period.  I remember Sister Jane spending a good twenty or thirty minutes teaching us how to use a period to end our declarative sentences.  "What a simple idea," I thought to myself.  "What could be easier than ending a declarative sentence with a period?"  (It is such an elementary concept that I would not be surprised to learn that my third grade teacher, Miss Flanigan, taught the same lesson, although I have no precise recollection of that.)  And yet, there are certain acquaintances of mine whose M.O. is to end many declarative sentences with a comma, or else no punctuation at all.  I keep hoping this repeated mistake is more a product of treating email correspondence as super casual.  Mistaking a comma for a period seems to have become more common every year.  No wonder Coldplay had a hit with Waterfall.  Come on, people.  Use a period to end your declarative sentences.

On a related issue, here is an addendum to Gripe # 1.  Sometimes I see a writer place a question mark after a declarative sentence.  Such a writer confuses declarative sentences with interrogatories when a verb like "wonder" or "seems" is used.  Here is an example:

EX  I wonder if the Norske Nook has any butterscotch cream pie today?

That is a declarative sentence because it states a fact, namely, "I wonder."  Therefore, the question mark should be replaced by a period. 

2.  You either feel good or bad.  Apparently there is little love for the Godfather Of Soul, James Brown.  People seem to be reluctant to say or write, “I feel good” or "I am good" if, in fact, they do feel good. They are more likely to respond to the rhetorical greeting “How are you?” by saying “I am well.”  Some of this incorrect practice I attribute to their sense of hearing.  Using "well" might sound better than using "good."  The phenomenon is similar to what I wrote about using the pronoun "me."  Once again I refer you to my January 19, 2012 post, Don't Be Afraid To Use Me. 

As a general rule, "good" is an adjective and "well" is an adverb.  (Some grammarians have caved on this topic, surrendering to the hoi polloi by deciding that "well" could be either an adjective or an adverb.  To borrow a phrase attributed to Sir Winston Churchill, my response to this capitulation is "Poppycock!")  A "be verb," such as the word "am," can not be modified by an adverb because "am" does not show action.  If a sentence starts out with a subject followed by a "be verb," what comes next is either a predicate nominative (which is a noun or a pronoun) or a predicate adjective (which, as luck would have it, is an adjective).  There is no such thing as a predicate adverb.

As used in the sentence "I feel good," the word "feel" is functioning as a "be verb," not an "action verb."  It shows state of being, not action.  Therefore use the predicate adjective "good."  [Note: It is permissible to write or state "I am doing well," because "doing" is an action verb and therefore may be followed by an adverb such as "well."]

3.  "There" can't be a subject.  Here is another basic rule which Miss Flanigan was just as likely to have introduced as was Sister Jane.  Only nouns and pronouns can function as the subject of a sentence.  The word "there" is neither a noun nor a pronoun.  Therefore, it can't be the subject of a sentence.  The number (singular or plural) of the subject determines whether you need a singular or plural verb.  An example follows:

EX  There are sixteen trees in the orchard.

The subject of that sentence is "trees."  Yet, many people would state, "There's sixteen trees in the orchard."  Why is that wrong?  The answer is since the subject, "trees," is plural, it requires a plural verb.  Yet, the contraction "there's" stands for "there is."  The verb "is" is singular.  In a nutshell, here is the lesson:  Don't start your sentence with the contraction "There's" if the subject is plural.

EX  Okay:  There's a car parked in the driveway.

EX  Not okay: There's two cars parked in the driveway.

EX  The second sentence should be this: There are two cars parked in the driveway.

EX  Also acceptable: There're two cars parked in the driveway.

4.  A dash should not be used for apposition.  This gripe frequently comes into focus when I read the Star Tribune.  The Strib writers like to use a dash immediately prior to an identification.  It's possible the Strib's style manual allows that.  That is too bad.  Here is an example:

EX  Minnesota's two United States senators -- Amy Klobuchar and Tina Smith -- are home during the congressional recess.

A better practice would be to use parentheses or, better yet, commas instead of dashes.  Dashes should be reserved for showing sudden change of direction either in the middle or at the end of a sentence.

Here is an example of using dashes properly:

EX  The current post describes a phenomenon -- I hesitate to call it an oddity -- to which I was introduced when my family moved to Iowa.

That example may look familiar to you if you read my March 28 post, First Name Initial.

The lesson: Don't use dashes for apposition.

5.  Couldn't care less.  Almost every time I hear someone say "I could care less" what they really mean, judging by context, is they could not care less.  Capiche?  

TIPS

A. Punctuation pairs.  One of the important exercises when proof reading is to make sure that every opening punctuation mark which is supposed to be followed by a closing punctuation mark has, in fact, been so followed.  Such marks obviously include quotation marks, parentheses and brackets.  They always come in pairs.  But, not always as obvious would be some commas and mid-sentence dashes.  Check out the following example:

EX  Some of the men who did not participate in the mutiny, including Roger Byam, the narrator of the novel remained on the Bounty because there was no room for them on the launch.

Did you figure out what's missing?  There should be a comma after the word "novel."  The phrase "the narrator of the novel" is an appositive which further identifies Roger Byam.  Mid-sentence appositives need to be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas.

B. Semi-colons in lists.  Lists are often preceded by colons, with the list items separated by commas.

EX  I have sailed on the five Great Lakes: Superior, Huron, Michigan, Erie and Ontario.

However, if one (or more) list item itself contains a comma, a good practice is to use semi-colons (instead of commas) for separation.

EX  I have sailed on the five Great Lakes: Superior, the largest of the five; Huron, on which enchanting Mackinac Island resides; Michigan, the only Great Lake entirely within the United States; Erie, often associated with the 1969 fire on the Cuyahoga River; and Ontario, directly connected to the St. Lawrence Seaway.  

C.  Consistent identification.  This is more pertinent for formal writing, but still a worthy piece of advice.  Once a proper noun has been introduced, use the same means of identification throughout your paper.  This is especially important if your paper is relatively long and includes several proper nouns which may not be familiar to your reader.  Your selection of an identifier can be placed in quotes inside parentheses.

EX  I met General Charles F. Wald when he was a high school sophomore.

If that is the first of several times you're going to refer to that person, then decide how you are going to identify him and stick to it.  Don't write "the general," "Wald," "Charles," "Chuck" or "CFW" at various places.  Instead, pick one such as "Wald," and then stick to it.

EX  I met General Charles F. Wald ("Wald") when he was a high school sophomore. 

Sometimes this hint applies to common nouns.  For example, if you are writing about a construction project you can identify it as the "Project."  Then, every time you reference that construction project you can simply write "the Project."  

EX  The construction project associated with the light rail expansion (the "Project") is causing traffic delays on Beltline Boulevard. 

EX  My flight from Boston to Tahiti had layovers in Los Angeles (the "First Layover") and Honolulu (the "Second Layover").    

Bonus Tip:  I always appreciate it when the author of a long article refreshes our memory of who a previously identified person is.  I hate having to search backwards in a long article trying to recall who someone is, especially if that person was only mentioned once near the beginning.  

EX  O’Malley, the next door neighbor, claimed she heard a single gunshot around 3:00 a.m.

Voila!  Now we know who O'Malley is without having to go back toward the beginning of the article.  She is the next door neighbor.

D. Starting sentences with "I".  It's a good practice to avoid starting a plethora of sentences with the word "I."  Sometimes it's unavoidable, but most of the time a little minor surgery on sentence structure can do the corrective trick, resulting in more variety.  One simple exercise is to precede the subject, "I," with an adjective phrase.

Instead of this:

EX  I registered as an independent to avoid divulging my true party preference.

Try this:

EX  Not wishing to divulge my true party preference, I registered as an independent.

Perhaps infrequent use of passive voice serves a useful purpose as well.  Contrary to what many of us have been taught, passive voice should not always be considered taboo.  Just don't overdo it.

Instead of this:

EX  I obtained a premium discount for my accident-free driving record.

Try this:

EX  A premium discount was offered to me for my accident-free driving record.

E. Trimming "that".

My writing practice for a first draft is to use the word "that" with abandon to introduce phrases and clauses, but then attempt to delete "that" when I do a redraft.

EX  First draft: I have come to the conclusion that the New England Patriots and the Houston Astros are cheaters.

EX  Second draft: I have come to the conclusion the New England Patriots and the Houston Astros are cheaters.

Here is the lesson:  If you can trim the word "that" from a sentence without changing the meaning or causing confusion, do so.

Disclosure:  I have a particularly tough time adhering to D and E.  But as noted philosopher John Selden wrote, "Do as I say, not as I do."  

Scorecard Cheating

Here is the little story that came to mind this week after viewing a short video by Tim Kurkjian, a nationally known baseball journalist and television analyst.  Kurkjian reveals how, for eleven years, he clipped and saved baseball box scores.  It was only after newspapers generally stopped printing box scores that Kurkjian had to discontinue his hobby.  For some reason, I have a related practice, hanging on to my scorecards from games I attended.  Occasionally I even keep score at home for World Series games of particular interest, e.g., Cubs vs. Indians in Game # 7 of the 2016 World Series.

My dad told me when I was about 10 or 11 that if you are lucky enough to attend an MLB game, you should never leave until the last out is made.  "If you leave early, you might miss the best play of the game."

I have followed his rule for almost 100% of the games I've attended over the years.  However, I did have to make an exception last year on July 17.  It was a Wednesday afternoon game, Twins vs. New York Mets, and Momma Cuandito accompanied me to the game.  As I've probably related before, she has become a true Twins fan, but her worst nightmare is having a game she's at go into extra innings.  In other words, she's down for about three hours of baseball, but then she is ready to move on.

As the Twins-Mets game evolved it looked like it was going to be a real barn burner.  After six innings, the Twins led 3-2.  Twins starting pitcher Martin Perez was on his game.  One of the Mets' two runs was unearned (E-5 by Miguel Sano), and Perez had 4 strike outs.  He had given up just 1 walk (plus a hit batsman).  Unfortunately, Twins manager Rocco Baldelli decided to let his esteemed bullpen get the last 9 outs.  Trevor May promptly surrendered the lead, giving up 3 runs on 3 hits in the top of the 7th.  Then Matt Magill came in to pitch the top of the 8th; what a disaster!  The Mets scored 6 more runs, all unearned thanks to an E-7 by Eddie Rosario.  Going into the bottom of the 8th it was 11-3 Mets.  We hung around to watch the Twins bat in the bottom of the 8th, and they did manage to come up with 1 run to make it 11-4.  Then we did what most of the other 35,124 fans did: we left.  Although she didn't say it, I knew Momma Cuan wanted to leave, and I did too.  Sure, it was breaking my dad's rule, but for all intents and purposes the game was over.

Not quite!

That evening I learned that the final score was 14-4.  Rocco, in an effort to save bullpen arms, allowed reserve infielder Ehire Adrianza to pitch the 9th.  The Mets shelled him for 5 hits and 3 runs.

As a saver of scorecards, it bothered me that my scorecard stopped after the 8th inning.  But, it didn't bother me to the point where I did anything about it, until this week!  I decided to look up the play-by-play for that game on baseball-reference.com, a terrific website on which a baseball enthusiast could literally waste an entire day.  It only took me about 4 or 5 minutes to find what I'd been looking for.  Then, I filled in the 9th inning on my scorecard which (of course) I had saved from that game.  That is what I call "Scorecard Cheating."  Hopefully neither the baseball gods, nor my father, will judge me too harshly.

****

There is a an epilogue to my story, having to do with baseball's so-called unwritten rules.  Many of you, especially those who've read my October 31, 2019 post (World Series 2019: Highs And Lows), are familiar with those rules, almost all of which are precipitated by sportsmanship.  For example, don't bunt in the late innings to break up a pitcher's no hitter.  Don't steal a base in the late innings if your team is up by 7 (an arbitrary number).  Under similar circumstances, don't unnecessarily stretch a single into a double or go from first to third if your teammate singles after you.  Likewise, don't work a count, hoping to draw a walk, if the game is out of reach, etc.

As I wrote above, my dad never left a game early for fear of missing "the best play of the game."  Today we would call those defensive masterpieces "web gems."  To my knowledge, when Momma Cuan and I left the Twins-Mets blowout last July 17, we did not miss a web gem, but we did miss an extremely strange implementation of an unwritten rule.

According to the play-by-play provided on baseball-reference.com, here is what happened when the Mets, leading 11-4, batted in the top of the 9th inning facing the Twins' new "pitcher," Adrianza.

- The Mets' DH Robinson Cano, batting in the 5 hole, lined out to right. (1 out, nobody on)

- # 6 hitter Todd Frazier singled to right. (1 out, man on 1st)

- # 7 hitter Michael Conforto singled to right, moving Frazier to third. (1 out, runners at the corners)

- # 8 hitter Amed Rosario tripled to left, scoring Frazier and Conforto.  The score is now 13-4. (1 out, man on third)

- # 9 hitter Adeiny Hechavarria doubled to left, scoring Rosario.  The score is now 14-4. (1 out, man on second)

- # 1 hitter Juan Lagares (who had entered the game as a defensive replacement in the 8th inning) doubled to left, 

moving Hechavarria to third.  (1 out, runners on second and third)

- # 2 hitter Dominic Smith struck out swinging. (1 out, runners on second and third)

- # 3 hitter Pete Alonso grounded out to third to end the inning.  The score remains 14-4, which became the final score when the Twins failed to score in the bottom of the 9th.

So there you have it.  The Mets decided not to allow their runner (Hechavarria) to score from second on a double to left field.  I don't believe I have ever seen a play like that.  If I had followed my dad's rule, I would have.  The Mets took an unwritten rule to an extreme, would you agree?

I'm sure the Mets' intention was good sportsmanship, but you also have to wonder if, by not letting Hechavarria score, it was more of a humiliation for the Twins.