Than a full stop.
- "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” (Coldplay, 2011)
I feel good,
I knew that I would.
- "I Got You" (James Brown, 1965)
Ever since I started blogging I always assumed there would be two constants supplying a limitless trove of post topics: movies and sports. Until this past mid-March, several new movies hit the silver screen every week, and there was rarely a time when a professional, college or high school game of some sort was not at hand. Those have been the mainstays of The Quentin Chronicle since its inception eight and a half years ago. Now with the coronavirus and all the sadness and mayhem it brings, we are in uncharted waters. My two reliable wells for fodder have run dry for the time being.
In view of the foregoing, I thought I would go back to a topic I've visited only twice before, on January 19 and February 21, 2012. That topic is grammar, although this time I'm narrowing it to pet peeves and helpful tips. Before we go any further, though, I suggest you reread the first paragraph of my January 19, 2012 post, in which I admit I'm throwing caution to the wind. Fools rush in!
In pre-blog days I made a sporadic practice of sending grammar tips to my three kids. I referred to those unsolicited emails as the "Sister Jane Memos," named in honor of my tremendous sixth grade teacher at St. Joe's in Libertyville. Teaching English was her forte, and her lessons have stuck with me over the decades. One of her favorite tools was diagramming sentences, a practice which went out with the Paleolithic Era. Those were the days! Luckily for my kids, I never foisted a diagramming exercise upon them.
I was also blessed to have had a fantastic professor for "freshman comp" at Notre Dame. Joseph Ryan, affectionately referred to as "Easy Joe," was a retired newspaperman for the Chicago Tribune. One of the few lay profs who lived on campus, he resided in Lyons Hall. Easy Joe might have been a lenient grader -- hence the nickname -- but he made you work for your "A." There were many instances when I would undertake several drafts of a composition before submitting what I felt was practically a masterpiece. I was wrong each time. Easy Joe must have kept the bookstore's red pen sales robust as he'd mark up my paper and those of my classmates as only a veteran newspaper scribe could do. Some of what he wrote in red were corrections; most were suggestions. It was humbling because, doggone it, he was always right.
Now that I've dispensed with the preamble, it is time to move on to my list of ten items. I've chosen "ten" because it is a nice round number. In keeping with the title of this post I'm offering five gripes and five tips. Take them or leave them as you wish, but here is a caveat: Sister Jane and Easy Joe would agree with me.
[I have placed a bold-printed EX in front of examples below.]
GRIPES
1. A comma is not a period. I remember Sister Jane spending a good twenty or thirty minutes teaching us how to use a period to end our declarative sentences. "What a simple idea," I thought to myself. "What could be easier than ending a declarative sentence with a period?" (It is such an elementary concept that I would not be surprised to learn that my third grade teacher, Miss Flanigan, taught the same lesson, although I have no precise recollection of that.) And yet, there are certain acquaintances of mine whose M.O. is to end many declarative sentences with a comma, or else no punctuation at all. I keep hoping this repeated mistake is more a product of treating email correspondence as super casual. Mistaking a comma for a period seems to have become more common every year. No wonder Coldplay had a hit with Waterfall. Come on, people. Use a period to end your declarative sentences.
On a related issue, here is an addendum to Gripe # 1. Sometimes I see a writer place a question mark after a declarative sentence. Such a writer confuses declarative sentences with interrogatories when a verb like "wonder" or "seems" is used. Here is an example:
EX I wonder if the Norske Nook has any butterscotch cream pie today?
That is a declarative sentence because it states a fact, namely, "I wonder." Therefore, the question mark should be replaced by a period.
2. You either feel good or bad. Apparently there is little love for the Godfather Of Soul, James Brown. People seem to be reluctant to say or write, “I feel good” or "I am good" if, in fact, they do feel good. They are more likely to respond to the rhetorical greeting “How are you?” by saying “I am well.” Some of this incorrect practice I attribute to their sense of hearing. Using "well" might sound better than using "good." The phenomenon is similar to what I wrote about using the pronoun "me." Once again I refer you to my January 19, 2012 post, Don't Be Afraid To Use Me.
As a general rule, "good" is an adjective and "well" is an adverb. (Some grammarians have caved on this topic, surrendering to the hoi polloi by deciding that "well" could be either an adjective or an adverb. To borrow a phrase attributed to Sir Winston Churchill, my response to this capitulation is "Poppycock!") A "be verb," such as the word "am," can not be modified by an adverb because "am" does not show action. If a sentence starts out with a subject followed by a "be verb," what comes next is either a predicate nominative (which is a noun or a pronoun) or a predicate adjective (which, as luck would have it, is an adjective). There is no such thing as a predicate adverb.
As used in the sentence "I feel good," the word "feel" is functioning as a "be verb," not an "action verb." It shows state of being, not action. Therefore use the predicate adjective "good." [Note: It is permissible to write or state "I am doing well," because "doing" is an action verb and therefore may be followed by an adverb such as "well."]
3. "There" can't be a subject. Here is another basic rule which Miss Flanigan was just as likely to have introduced as was Sister Jane. Only nouns and pronouns can function as the subject of a sentence. The word "there" is neither a noun nor a pronoun. Therefore, it can't be the subject of a sentence. The number (singular or plural) of the subject determines whether you need a singular or plural verb. An example follows:
EX There are sixteen trees in the orchard.
The subject of that sentence is "trees." Yet, many people would state, "There's sixteen trees in the orchard." Why is that wrong? The answer is since the subject, "trees," is plural, it requires a plural verb. Yet, the contraction "there's" stands for "there is." The verb "is" is singular. In a nutshell, here is the lesson: Don't start your sentence with the contraction "There's" if the subject is plural.
EX Okay: There's a car parked in the driveway.
EX Not okay: There's two cars parked in the driveway.
EX The second sentence should be this: There are two cars parked in the driveway.
EX Also acceptable: There're two cars parked in the driveway.
4. A dash should not be used for apposition. This gripe frequently comes into focus when I read the Star Tribune. The Strib writers like to use a dash immediately prior to an identification. It's possible the Strib's style manual allows that. That is too bad. Here is an example:
EX Minnesota's two United States senators -- Amy Klobuchar and Tina Smith -- are home during the congressional recess.
A better practice would be to use parentheses or, better yet, commas instead of dashes. Dashes should be reserved for showing sudden change of direction either in the middle or at the end of a sentence.
Here is an example of using dashes properly:
EX The current post describes a phenomenon -- I hesitate to call it an oddity -- to which I was introduced when my family moved to Iowa.
That example may look familiar to you if you read my March 28 post, First Name Initial.
The lesson: Don't use dashes for apposition.
5. Couldn't care less. Almost every time I hear someone say "I could care less" what they really mean, judging by context, is they could not care less. Capiche?
TIPS
A. Punctuation pairs. One of the important exercises when proof reading is to make sure that every opening punctuation mark which is supposed to be followed by a closing punctuation mark has, in fact, been so followed. Such marks obviously include quotation marks, parentheses and brackets. They always come in pairs. But, not always as obvious would be some commas and mid-sentence dashes. Check out the following example:
EX Some of the men who did not participate in the mutiny, including Roger Byam, the narrator of the novel remained on the Bounty because there was no room for them on the launch.
Did you figure out what's missing? There should be a comma after the word "novel." The phrase "the narrator of the novel" is an appositive which further identifies Roger Byam. Mid-sentence appositives need to be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas.
B. Semi-colons in lists. Lists are often preceded by colons, with the list items separated by commas.
EX I have sailed on the five Great Lakes: Superior, Huron, Michigan, Erie and Ontario.
However, if one (or more) list item itself contains a comma, a good practice is to use semi-colons (instead of commas) for separation.
EX I have sailed on the five Great Lakes: Superior, the largest of the five; Huron, on which enchanting Mackinac Island resides; Michigan, the only Great Lake entirely within the United States; Erie, often associated with the 1969 fire on the Cuyahoga River; and Ontario, directly connected to the St. Lawrence Seaway.
C. Consistent identification. This is more pertinent for formal writing, but still a worthy piece of advice. Once a proper noun has been introduced, use the same means of identification throughout your paper. This is especially important if your paper is relatively long and includes several proper nouns which may not be familiar to your reader. Your selection of an identifier can be placed in quotes inside parentheses.
EX I met General Charles F. Wald when he was a high school sophomore.
If that is the first of several times you're going to refer to that person, then decide how you are going to identify him and stick to it. Don't write "the general," "Wald," "Charles," "Chuck" or "CFW" at various places. Instead, pick one such as "Wald," and then stick to it.
EX I met General Charles F. Wald ("Wald") when he was a high school sophomore.
Sometimes this hint applies to common nouns. For example, if you are writing about a construction project you can identify it as the "Project." Then, every time you reference that construction project you can simply write "the Project."
EX The construction project associated with the light rail expansion (the "Project") is causing traffic delays on Beltline Boulevard.
EX My flight from Boston to Tahiti had layovers in Los Angeles (the "First Layover") and Honolulu (the "Second Layover").
Bonus Tip: I always appreciate it when the author of a long article refreshes our memory of who a previously identified person is. I hate having to search backwards in a long article trying to recall who someone is, especially if that person was only mentioned once near the beginning.
EX O’Malley, the next door neighbor, claimed she heard a single gunshot around 3:00 a.m.
Voila! Now we know who O'Malley is without having to go back toward the beginning of the article. She is the next door neighbor.
D. Starting sentences with "I". It's a good practice to avoid starting a plethora of sentences with the word "I." Sometimes it's unavoidable, but most of the time a little minor surgery on sentence structure can do the corrective trick, resulting in more variety. One simple exercise is to precede the subject, "I," with an adjective phrase.
Instead of this:
EX I registered as an independent to avoid divulging my true party preference.
Try this:
EX Not wishing to divulge my true party preference, I registered as an independent.
Perhaps infrequent use of passive voice serves a useful purpose as well. Contrary to what many of us have been taught, passive voice should not always be considered taboo. Just don't overdo it.
Instead of this:
EX I obtained a premium discount for my accident-free driving record.
Try this:
EX A premium discount was offered to me for my accident-free driving record.
E. Trimming "that".
My writing practice for a first draft is to use the word "that" with abandon to introduce phrases and clauses, but then attempt to delete "that" when I do a redraft.
EX First draft: I have come to the conclusion that the New England Patriots and the Houston Astros are cheaters.
EX Second draft: I have come to the conclusion the New England Patriots and the Houston Astros are cheaters.
Here is the lesson: If you can trim the word "that" from a sentence without changing the meaning or causing confusion, do so.
Disclosure: I have a particularly tough time adhering to D and E. But as noted philosopher John Selden wrote, "Do as I say, not as I do."
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