Drinking With Dick And Bert

Last year about this time, the Twins were well on their way toward having a historically bad season. Whenever the team would show an infrequent spark of life by winning a game or two, the TV homers, Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven, would gush, "If we can just get to .500 we can catch the division leaders." Then later, at some point in July, the Twins managed to get within seven games of the coveted .500 and I started to drink the Kool-aid. There was still time to catch the Tigers. I kept going to games (I had season tickets) and spending way too many hours watching our boys kick the ball around, make idiotic mental errors in the field and on the base paths, and take clueless at bats (e.g., taking wild swings at pitches far out of the strike zone immediately following a four-pitch walk to the previous batter). The Twins ended up losing ninety-nine games that season.

Now we are a third of the way through the new current season. As of today, the Twins have the worst record in the American League, and the third worst record overall among the thirty MLB teams. Again, Dick and Bert are promising better things, if only we can get to .500. It ain't gonna happen. We failed to sweep a weekend home series against the pathetic Cubs, getting pummeled 8 to 2 this past Sunday, and just lost a three game home series to the Phillies, a team that is in last place in the National League East and is missing three of their very best players who are on the Disabled List. The Twins appear to be headed to another ninety-plus loss season.

I like baseball too much - - it is my favorite sport - - to quit watching it cold turkey, but I have decided that the agony of watching our home boys' incompetence will be easier if I imbibe my favorite beverage as I'm doing so. My beverage of choice is, of course, beer.

I have seen MLB games in twenty-four different stadiums. (I would have written "stadia" but did not want to appear to be snotty!) It is my observation that the fans of the Milwaukee Brewers are the best partiers of any home crowd I've visited. If you have ever seen a Miller Park tailgate throng, you won't quickly forget it. A whole bunch of the fans from Sudsville will be in Minneapolis this weekend to watch their Brew Crew take on the Twins. So, in honor of the Brewers (my favorite National League team) and their fans, and also in recognition of Fathers' Day this Sunday, I have created a little drinking game to play while watching the Twins on the idiot lantern. I call the game "Drinking With Dick And Bert." For the rest of this post I'll simply refer to it as "The Game." Some revisions to The Game would obviously have to be made for anyone attending a game in person. My other disclaimer is that this is my first crack at putting together a drinking game (although I have been a participant in my share of them), so consider this a work in progress. Suggested improvements are welcome.

For starters, the participants in The Game must choose a Manager to make sure the rules are followed. The Game is divided into nine Innings, each with a different category which remains in play throughout the duration of the matching inning in the Twins game. The Manager decides the order of the Innings of The Game to be played. For example, she may pick the Gardy Inning to be in effect during the first inning of the Twins game, and the Bert Inning to be in effect during the second inning of the Twins game, etc. The Manager shall announce her selection before the start of each inning of the Twins game. If it is a particularly thirsty crowd, the Manager may decide to play several Innings of The Game simultaneously, keeping them in effect for a duration longer than just one inning of the Twins game. I don't know if it would be possible to keep all nine Innings of The Game in effect for the entire duration of the Twins game. That might be asking for trouble.

Each Inning of The Game has three things to watch for in the Twins game. As any one of those three things occurs, the players in The Game may (i) take a sip, (ii) take a swallow, or (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug. Sips are usually associated with something that is pretty likely to happen in the Twins game that inning, swallows are associated with something less likely to happen, and hearty slugs are associated with a rarer event.

Just in case the Twins game does not provide the action that enables players of The Game to quench their thirst, we also have Social Drinks every so often, as called for by the Manager. When the Manager declares that it's time for a Social Drink, everyone should stand for a group toast and a hearty slug. To keep things symmetrical, there are nine occasions for Social Drinks, as you will see below.

Without further ado, here are the nine Innings of The Game:

The Dick Bremer Inning: (i) take a sip if Dick says a ball is hit deep even though the outfielder catches it well in front of the warning track; (ii) take a swallow if Dick says the ball was hit in the gap even though the outfielder had to take only two steps to his right or left to catch it; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Dick calls into question a managerial or coaching decision.

The Steve Liddle Inning: (i) take a sip if Liddle holds a base runner at third with less than two out; (ii) take a swallow if Liddle holds a runner at third with two out; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if a runner blows through Liddle's stop sign and heads for home.

The Ben Revere Inning: (i) take a sip if Revere lays down a sac bunt; (ii) take a swallow if Revere bunts for a base hit; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Revere does a somersault either on the base path or in the outfield.

The Joe Mauer Inning: (i) take a sip if Mauer punches the ball to the left side for a hit; (ii) take a swallow if Mauer pulls the ball to the right side for an extra base hit; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Mauer (or whoever is catching for the Twins) goes to the mound and pats the pitcher on the back.

The Gardy Inning: (i) take a sip if the camera shows Gardy right after the Twins commit an error or the pitcher issues a walk; (ii) take a swallow if Gardy disgustedly walks to the mound and removes the pitcher without making eye contact or giving him a pat on the butt; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Gardy gets tossed by an umpire.

The Bert Blyleven Inning: (i) take a sip if Bert says "little cutter" or "SHE-caugo"; (ii) take a swallow if Bert or Dick mentions that Bert is in the Hall Of Fame; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Bert refers to his California high school math.

The Baserunners Inning: (i) take a sip if a Twins baserunner steals a base; (ii) take a swallow if a Twins baseruner breaks up a double play; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if a Twins baserunner advances a base on an outfield fly.

The Fielders Inning: (i) take a sip if a Twin catches a ball in foul territory more than ninety feet from the plate; (ii) take a swallow if the Twins turn a double play; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if a Twin makes a diving or shoe-string catch.

The Post-Game Inning: (i) take a sip if Roy Smalley looks straight at the camera with a goofy smile (as if he's being goosed) while Anthony LaPanta is speaking; (ii) take a swallow if Robbie Incmikoski, in a post-game interview, begins a question with, "How are you able..." or "What is it like..."; (iii) enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug if Ron Coomer uses the phrase "to me" more than twice.

As noted above, we also have Social Drinks periodically throughout The Game, just in case the beer is getting flat or warm from sitting in our vessels too long. (An aside: I'd like to raise a toast to my Broken Arrow friend, Gary Larson, who introduced me to the concept of interspersing Social Drinks within the confines of a drinking game.) If the Manager feels that a Social Drink is in order, she may propose one to the group, at which point everyone enjoys a group toast and takes a hearty slug. However, in an effort to keep things reasonably under control, the Manager may call for a Social Drink only upon the occurrence of any one of the following events during the Twins telecast.

* A Fox Sports North Girl does a spot for (what else?) Fox Sports North.
* Jamie Carroll, Brian Dozier or Lexi Casilla does a head-first slide.
* Sal Butera or Darin Mastroianni gets a base hit.
* Denard Span has an at-bat lasting longer than six pitches.
* The Twins starting pitcher begins the seventh inning.
* The Twins infielders execute a run-down by using less than four throws.
* An opposing base runner gets caught stealing.
* The Twins turn a double-play.
* The Twins score a run.

As an extra added attraction, we have The Plouffie Toast. Any time Trevor Plouffe gets a hit or makes a play in the field, everyone shall immediately rise to their feet and salute him by crying out "da Plouffer!" as they enjoy a group toast and take a hearty slug. The Plouffie Toast does not require a wink or a nod from the Manager. It should be spontaneous.

Finally, it goes without saying that the final out of a Twins victory is most worthy of a group toast and a hearty slug.

Have a Red Letter Day and a Stroh's Lite Night!