"Quentin Conversations," A Play

You know that I am a blogger, but did you know that I am also a playwright?  Ah, yes, the secret is now out.  True, I have only written one play, a four act work still in progress because it has no grand finale.  It's also true that my play is what you might call "off Broadway."  In fact it has never been produced, not even locally at Illusion Theater, Mixed Blood or Theater Latte Da.  But still, it is a play, titled Quentin Conversations.

There are two protagonists for whom I have quite randomly chosen the names Johnny Rock and Momma Cuandito.  As this is a work of fiction, you should not interpret the characters to be portrayals of any real life persons.  This includes the character Anne In Act 2.

You will notice that I have employed a stage curtain rising and falling at the beginning and end of each scene.  This is for dramatic purposes only.  I shall leave it to the producer to determine if and when the curtain will come into play.

Some day in the not-too-distant future, when Quentin Conversations becomes the next Lion King, Jersey Boys or Hamilton, you can tell your friends you saw it all here first.

Without further ado, here is Quentin Conversations.

*****

QUENTIN CONVERSATIONS

***

Act 1, Scene 1

The setting:  The dining room of the Quentin Estates, 7:20 p.m. on a mild October Thursday night.  As the curtain rises, Momma Cuan and Johnny Rock have just finished a fine dinner of leftover soup.  They are enjoying a bottle of 19 Crimes, an Australian red.

MC: So, what are you doing tomorrow?

JR: I'm not sure.  I have a whole bunch of things on my list, but none of them is fun.  I don't have anything fun on my calendar.

MC: Well you know, you can't just have fun all the time!  Sometimes you have to do some work.

JR: What do you mean?  I spent 45 minutes washing the dishes this afternoon!

MC, rolling her eyes:  Pfft!

JR:  I guess you're not too impressed with that.  Do you want to switch jobs tomorrow?  I will make dinner and you can wash the dishes.

MC, rolling her eyes again:  Sure.

JR:  Okay.  Do you want frozen sausage pizza or frozen pepperoni pizza?

MC: [silence]

JR: [laughs hysterically at his own joke]

The curtain comes down.

**

Act 1, Scene 2 

The setting:  As the curtain rises it is mid-afternoon on a pleasant February Wednesday.  Johnny Rock is in the dining room of the Quentin Estates, eating the last bite of the lunch to which he has contributed.  He brought home a delicious Jimmy John's sammich -- his usual, # 5 with pep -- which he and Momma Cuan have split halvzie walvzies.  Momma Cuan has served a sumptuous tomato basil soup to complement the sammich.  She has now moved from the dining room to the kitchen, looking for morsels to give their granddaughter, Moosica Dulcinea, who was entrusted to their care by her father, Boogaire. 

JR, trying to mimic the upper crust of Downton Abbey, even though he has never watched that show: Now that I am finished with the second of my two favorite parts of the day, my thoughts are turning to the third.  What have you instructed the QE staff to serve for this evening's repast?

MC: Moraccan pie.

JR: Did you say "rockin' pie"?  What if I would prefer rollin' pie?

MC, after a pregnant pause:  I said MORACCAN pie!

JR:  Oh, I see.  What makes it MORACCAN pie?

MC:  The ingredients.

JR:  Hmm.  I would have never guessed! [Laughs hysterically at his own joke.]

The curtain comes down. 

***

Act 2

The story has now moved to the Dreams Resort near Tulum, which is on the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico.  As the curtain rises, Johnny Rock and Momma Cuandito are in a group of six adults sitting around a table outside the Sugar Reef Bar, enjoying a pre-dinner cocktail at twilight.  One of their party is Anne, a seventy-one year old divorcee who, possibly feeling the effects of several adult beverages consumed throughout the day, is regaling her friends with tales of her recent experiences on the dating scene.

Anne:  I'm not interested in some old guy that I will have to take care of and prepare meals for all the time.  

Johnny Rock: Well, I don't know if that's a good way to look at things.  After all, Momma Cuan takes care of me.

Momma Cuan, without missing a beat:  Yeah, but Anne has a choice!

[The entire group laughs hysterically at Momma Cuan's joke; or was it?]

The curtain falls.

***

Act 3, Scene 1

Our story returns to The Quentin Estates.  It is a chilly Monday May night.  Momma Cuandito has been watching David Letterman's third-to-last show on television.  When the last commercial break comes on, she calls Johnny Rock into the family room so he can watch Dave's music guest, Eddie Vedder, former front man of Pearl Jam.

Two notes into the song, The Rocker recognizes that the tune Vedder will be performing is "Better Man," the only Pearl Jam song on "Pud's Plethora Of Platinum," the greatest compilation of music that ever graced a playlist.

JR: After this song, I'll tell you a quick story about it.

MC: [silence]

Vedder sings the song, and Letterman hugs and thanks him as the closing credits roll.

MC: Good night, I'm going to bed.

JR softly to himself, as MC climbs the stairs: That's okay.  My story wasn't that interesting anyway. 

The curtain comes down.

**

Act 3, Scene 2

As the curtain rises it is a balmy Monday night in the middle of November, certainly an anomaly on the frozen tundra.  Seated in the dining room, the happy couple has just finished another five-star meal prepared by Momma Cuandito at the QE, and now savor solitude and togetherness before she intends to excuse herself to watch The Voice.  Johnny Rock resists the urge to make fun of that show, where contestants you'll never hear from again sing an over-the-top, anguished, truncated version of a song which the original artist did ten times better. 

The couple is twelve days away from hosting Thanksgiving for the umpteenth year in a row, but Momma Cuan is already thinking about getting the house prepared.  As she downs her last sip of Kim Crawford at the table which is adorned with a gray metallic pumpkin centerpiece, her attention is drawn to the wine rack in the corner of the room.  The Rocker has been using the wine rack for the last several weeks to shelve his assortment of four prescription drugs which allow him to keep breathing in his old age. 

MC: Are those your pills sitting there on the wine rack?

JR, looking surprised:  Why yes, I believe they are.

MC: Perhaps you could find another place for them. 

JR:  Well, you took away my shelf space in the master bedroom when you had it refurbished.

MC: [Stone cold silence, accompanied by a glare.]

JR:  I see there's room on the doily surrounding the tin pumpkin.  Would you object if I placed the bottles there?

MC: [Abruptly departs for the family room to watch The Voice.]

JR: [Laughs hysterically at his own joke.]

The curtain comes down.

***

Act 4

As the curtain rises it is Sunday afternoon in early June.  The sun has been out all day, perfect for a long walk down Lyndale Avenue, which is closed to motor vehicles for Open Streets Minneapolis.  The happy couple, married almost forty-one years, is cruising through the city in the lap of luxury, Johnny Rock's 2005 Toyota Corolla which he bought used eleven years ago.  The Rocker is in a great mood.  Open Streets is one of his favorite celebrations, and Momma Cuan has just spotted a convenient on-street parking space.  Life is grand.

JR, driving the car while approaching the parking spot which is a half-block away:  I saw something interesting today on The Font Of All Knowledge, ND Nation, about Phil Mickelson.

MC, reaching for her bag next to her feet: Oh?

JR, now advancing the car to within 30 yards of the targeted spot:  Phil is one of the most accomplished golfers on the PGA tour.  The US Open, which will be two weeks from now in Wisconsin, is the only one of the four major tournaments he has never won.  He has taken second place in the Open six times!

MC, looking in her bag to make sure her reading glasses are in there: [silence]

JR, now pulling even with the car he's going to park behind:  According to ND Nation, Phil is going to skip the Open because the high school his daughter attends in California has scheduled graduation on the Open's starting day.  He's going to attend her graduation.

MC, putting her right hand on the passenger side door handle:  [silence]

JR, starting to back the car into the space:  Some guys on the ND board feel the school should have made sure there would be no conflict between the graduation ceremony and the Open.  It's likely that Phil and his wife are huge contributors to the school.

MC, starting to unfasten her seat belt:  [silence]

JR, pulling forward in the space so that he's equi-distant between the car in front and the car behind:  Other guys on the board are convinced that the school should not show special consideration for any one particular parent.  After all, lots of parents have important jobs and may be inconvenienced by whatever date the school chooses for graduation.

MC, opening the door and placing her right foot on the curb:  [silence]

JR, moving the gear shift to "Park," then turning off the A/C and the radio:  Some guys pointed out that several schools always have their graduation on the same day every year, like the third Thursday in June.  It's a tradition.

MC, swinging around, placing her left foot on the curb and getting out of the car: [silence]

JR turns off the ignition.

MC, while closing the door:  Sounds like a waste of time to me.

JR, now alone in the car:  Oh... I see. 

The curtain falls.

THE END