Sports Yucks 'n' Nuggs - Volume II

If the Minnesota Twins are your favorite Major League Baseball team, right about now you are probably ready for the NFL season to get going.  The Vikings open mini-camp next week, so you won't have to wait too long.  The Twins, sporting a record of 34-59, are the second worst team in baseball -- thank you, Atlanta -- and the worst in the American League.  The rookies we've been led to believe were going to take us to new heights have under-performed.  Some are clearly not ready to play at the Major League level.  Most of our batters don't know the strike zone, and have something against protecting the plate with a two strike count.  We do not have a single pitcher who would be even the number 2 starter in any other team's rotation.  Our primary closer, Glen Perkins, has been on the shelf all year, and we just waived the guy we were counting on to replace him, Kevin Jepsen.  The coaches have finally given up on our big off-season acquisition, Byung-ho Park, who is now in the minors.  Things came to a head this week with the announced firing of Twins General Manager, Terry Ryan, who held the job for eighteen of the last twenty-three years.

To help get your mind off this predicament, it's time for another Sports Yucks 'n' Nuggs.  Volume I of SYnN was posted here on May 15, 2012.  Then I explained that the entries I chose were "either funny or [were] worthy of at least a nod or a salute because they [were] interesting."  The same formula applies to the present post, Volume II, except these are all baseball related.

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Marney Gellner, a fellow Bishop Ryan High School alum, is one of the field reporters for Fox Sports North telecasts of Twins games.  Last May she was in the Target Field bleachers interviewing a couple from Fertile, Minnesota and bestowing on them $100 worth of Minnesota State Lottery scratch-off tickets.  One of them had a "Circle Me Bert" sign.  As television analyst Bert Blyleven was circling them with his telestrator, Marney asked the excited folks what the population of Fertile is.  "Eight hundred thirty-eight," the man and wife proudly proclaimed.

Bert quickly chimed in, "I thought it would be more."

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Bartolo Colon is a forty-three year old pitcher for the New York Mets.  The veteran Dominican has been a Major League pitcher for nineteen years, is a Cy Young Award winner and a four-time All Star, including this season.  Before he came to the Mets three years ago, he pitched for seven other teams, only one of which (the Montreal Expos in 2002) was/is a National League franchise, i.e.,the league in which pitchers bat instead of being replaced in the lineup by a designated hitter.  The Mets list Colon as 5' 11" and weighing 285 pounds.  If he weighs less than three bills I would be very surprised.

In May Colon became the oldest pitcher in MLB history to hit his first career home run when he belted a curve ball over the wall at Petco Park against the San Diego Padres.  The pitcher was James Shields, one of the better hurlers in MLB.  The lapse of time for the hefty Colon's home run trot around the bases could have been measured with an hour glass.  His trickster teammates, aware that this was his first career home run, all left the dugout and hid in the runway leading to the clubhouse.  A few moments after Colon returned from his trot to an empty dugout, his teammates reappeared, laughing it up as they heartily congratulated the old guy.

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I have witnessed the high school fans at several Champlin Park basketball games.  They sit in a large group right behind one of the baskets, and when the opponents are shooting free throws at that end the fans' antics intended to distract the shooter are hysterical.

Last month I attended the Class 4A State Championship baseball game at Target Field between the CP Rebels and the Wayzata Trojans.  The Rebel baseball fans proved just as free-spirited as the basketball crowd.  (Yes, I realize there's a good chance they are the same kids comprising both groups.)  Whenever a Wayzata player struck out, the CP crowd yelled out in cadence, "Left, right, left, right, left, right..." until the dejected batter returned to his dugout and descended its stairs.  You have probably heard the same type of chant at basketball games when an opposing player fouls out.  Okay, maybe it's poor sportsmanship, but I could not suppress my laugh whenever it happened.

I got another chuckle in the fourth inning when the Wayzata catcher smashed a leadoff triple for the Trojans' first extra base hit of the game.  He slid into third base a second or two before the Rebel's third baseman could apply the tag.  The Wayzata player was so excited that he pumped his fist and yelled words of encouragement to his teammates in the nearby third base dugout.  Only problem was, in his cheerleading gesticulations he jumped in the air above the bag, and that enabled the very alert CP third sacker to tag him out.  From the penthouse to the outhouse, to coin a phrase.

Immediately, the Rebels' fans started repeatedly yelling in unison: "You let the WHOLE TEAM DOWN!"  I'm sure this was audible all over the box seat area, where almost the entire crowd was seated.  Wayzata's catcher got the last laugh, however, as the Trojans took the title, 9-1.

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The night before the Major League Baseball All Star Game every year, there is a Home Run Derby Contest featuring four sluggers from each league.  The rules for the Derby change every once in awhile, but the contestants have always been able to select their own pitcher.  Some guys pick their brother, or their former high school coach or a teammate.

Brad Radke was a pitcher for twelve years with the Minnesota Twins.  It is traditional in baseball that the rookies get picked on by the veterans, kind of a rite of initiation.  Brad's rookie season was 1995, and the Twins played an interleague series in LA against the Dodgers about a week before the All Star Game.  Radke gave up a couple of home runs to Dodgers slugger Raul Mondesi.

One of Radke's teammates was friends with a couple of Dodgers who somehow had stolen some official Dodger team stationery.  They gave a sheet or two to Radke's teammate who wrote a fake letter from Mondesi to Radke, complete with Mondesi's forged signature.  In this letter, "Mondesi" asked Radke if he would be willing to be Mondesi's pitcher for the upcoming Home Run Derby.  At first rookie Radke fell for the scam but eventually figured things out.

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A funny sight at the St. Paul Saints games...  The infield is dragged in the fifth and seventh innings by a half dozen guys dressed in... wait for it... drag.  Leave it to a Mike Veeck operation to think of that!  There is something goofy going on in between almost every half-inning, e.g., a live pig delivering new baseballs to the home plate umpire, stretcher races, and a human version of bumper cars.

One gimmick at the Saints game I recently attended maybe wasn't such a good idea.  The public address announcer stated several times that before a certain upcoming inning, all the fans would be asked to do a short series of squats by their seats in an attempt to break the Guinness world record.  For those fans who did not feel up to the task, they were invited to retreat to the concourse so that they "wouldn't be counted as a 'no'" and thereby subtracted from the total.  I happened to be sitting in an aisle seat and got a close-up look at the obese and infirm as they very slowly trudged up the stairs to the concourse before the calisthenics began.  They did not look happy.  In a way, it was a Walk Of Shame which put an unintended damper on the otherwise fun activity.

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The next little story requires an intro.  When pitchers are about to be activated off the Disabled List, the team usually has them throw what's called a "simulated game" in the bullpen.  Then, if there are no physical setbacks, the pitcher is activated a day or two later.  There is no live hitting in a simulated game, but a batter does stand in the batter's box with a bat on his shoulder.  Thus, the exercise is slightly more real than simply having the pitcher throw to a bullpen catcher without a batter standing in.  The average simulated game has the pitcher throw about three innings of fifteen pitches each.

On the evening of Thursday, May 19, the Twins hosted Star Wars Night at Target Field.  The fans were given Trevor Plouffe Star Wars bobble heads.  The opponent was the Toronto Blue Jays.  An hour before the Twins-Jays game started, Twins pitcher Kyle Gibson, who was on the DL but nearly recovered from his injury, tossed a simulated game in the bullpen.

The Force that evening was not with the Twins.  They managed only four hits -- Plouffe went 0 for 4 -- and lost 3-2, dropping their record to an MLB-worst 10-20.  Afterwards, Twins fan Ryan Glanzer tweeted the quip of the day:  "The Twins also lost Kyle Gibson's simulated game earlier tonight."

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More from Bert Blyleven, and his TV partner, Dick Bremer.  Blyleven is a member of the Baseball Hall Of Fame, and ranks fifth on the list of MLB all-time strikeout leaders with 3,701 Ks.  (Note: The four ahead of him are Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens and Steve Carlton.)  During a recent game, Dick asked Bert if he kept the ball from his last career strikeout in 1992.  Bert replied, "No, because at the time I didn't think that would be my last strikeout!"

Dick then recalled a similar conversation he had with former Twin and Hall Of Famer Harmon Killebrew.  The Killer, who died in 2011, ranks twelfth on the list of MLB career home runs with 573 dingers.  Dick asked The Killer if he kept the ball from his last career home run in 1975.  Harmon gave an answer similar to Bert's.  He did not keep, or even seek, that ball because he thought more round trippers were in his future.

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Last Saturday, July 16, was the biggest game of the year for both the Chicago Cubs and the Texas Rangers.  The Cubs and Rangers were each comfortably in first place in their divisions, the NL Central and the AL West, respectively.  It was a beautiful sunny day in the Friendly Confines, which was overflowing with more than 42,000 fans.  The Cubbies were clinging to a slim 3-1 lead going into the top of the ninth, three outs away from flying the big "W" over Waveland & Sheffield Avenues.  Despite confidence in Cubs closer Hector Rondon, the fans were quite aware that the Rangers' lineup was a potential powder keg.

Leadoff hitter Rougned Odor lifted a lazy fly to right fielder Jason Heyward, who had just switched to that position from center field.  Heyward was obviously blinded by the sun's light, putting his mitt up more as a shield than anything else.  The Chicago faithful gasped a sigh of relief when the ball found its way into Heyward's glove as he almost tumbled to the ground.  It's always good to get the leadoff guy, especially in the ninth.

The second man up, Ian Desmond, meekly tapped out, pitcher to first.  One more out to go, but the Rangers' most dangerous batter, future Hall Of Famer Adrian Beltre, was up.  On the fourth pitch of the at bat, Beltre hit a towering fly toward right field.  "Here we go again" was undoubtedly the universal thought in the stadium.  Would Heyward struggle again?  No!  Three seconds before the ball found leather. Heyward stuck up the thumb on his throwing hand to assure his teammates, the fans and the millions of TV viewers that he had this one measured.  Plunk!  He was right.  Cubs win!  Cubs win!!